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Things Really Need To Change This Time

I thought I had changed.

Ok, in fairness to myself, I know I have changed in many ways. However, it seems that as far as eating battles, there have been no long term changes. Trying to get a grip on my eating/exercise issues is one of the reasons I asked Kat to join in writing this blog with her.

Today I got a big fat (pun intended) smack in the face. A smack that made me really think how as far as my eating issues go, I really have not made any long term changes. At least no long term action changes. I believe my mindset and my beliefs are healthier. I know what it is I should be doing and why and I really want to do it for the right reasons. But my actions now, like then, speak just as loud as the words I read today.

What words? Words from a journal I kept in December 2008. A journal I picked up today by "chance". (I don't believe in coincidences.)

______________________

December 16th 2008:

Why am I self sabotaging? Why am I not only not eating right, but I am eating awfully and Ifeel the effects on my body.

Is it because I have learned a pattern of treating myself badly when I feel overwhelmed?

Is it because I want to get into set routines and I am not managing to do so, thus I procrastinate and am less efficient than I should be?

______________________

December 23rd 2008:

Why do I keep eating?

I know I need a routine and I know when I am tired I eat more and when I don't feel well I tend to eat more. (And yes I am tired after little N's diarrhea and throw up episodes last night and I am in pain because of my period.) And we are on vacation and I have no routine, but I keep promising myself I will go back to eating correctly and I keep failing myself.

My body feels much better thinner!

_______________________

So what have I learned from this blast from the past?

That things haven't changed much. That I am still struggling with the same issues.

It has made me see clearly that I need to get into a routine that is set in stone. Kind of like the way I have done with blogging. Come hell or high water, I write every day. Because I recognized my need and made a commitment.

I need to do the same with exercise. Part of my problem is that even though I have ADHD and can do lots of things at once, I can't seem to really do more than one thing very well at a time. BUt somehow I am going to have to find a way to set up proper eating and exercise as a routine like I have with blogging.

If I don't I will be reading this back in two years from now and crying.

This Seals It

So I was messing about in the kitchen (aka half assed helping my husband do dishes) and my four year old said it. "Mom, you're fat." It wasn't meant to be mean, just an honest observation of a four year old. So, that seals it. Now I am more motivated than ever to lose the extra weight.

Like Yourself Now, Before You Lose Weight

Over the years, I have learned a lot of things. (Like the fact that I am making myself sound like an old fart who is ancient. I am only 40 and I have finally decided that I am okay with my age.)

But I have digressed.

What I wanted to share with everyone is what I have learned about weight loss and liking yourself.

I have been reading loads and loads of blog posts about weight loss. The one thing that has really bothered me is that I have been feeling that so many people are tying up their self esteem and happiness with their weight. They believe that when they are thin, they will be happy.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that when I am thinner I feel physically better and a bit more confident. What I do know is that the weight loss itself or being thin is not what makes me happy.

If I don't like myself or my self image when I start a diet, I will not like myself or my self image when I am thin. For a while I may be able to fool myself into thinking so, but the truth always surfaces.

For most of us with weight issues, there is an underlying reason we are heavy. We eat in response to something. We eat in response to things that are missing in our lives. We eat instead of dealing with the issues that are troubling us. We have triggers that send us scurrying and scrounging for food. Some of these triggers may be with us since childhood. They are "friends" we have known for so long and are hard to part with.

Sometimes we eat without thinking about our triggers or realizing they are there. Sometimes we know what are triggers are, but we don't want to enter the world of hurt and pain and self work to deal with them.

But eating does not make the issues go away. We just bury them in another layer of fat. We hide our issues away instead of confronting them.

I know losing weight and reaching my target will not make me happy. Not by itself. I need to work on my issues and triggers now. I need to know what things make me unhappy and happy now.

Why? So that when I do reach my target weight I will be truly happy. About me and my life.

I know that thinness will not make me happy. Being happy though will make me thin.

Images:

MEASURING
© Stiven | Dreamstime.com

FAT AND HAPPY

© Chris Denbow | Flickr Creative Commons

It's On Like Donkey Kong...well as soon as I feel better

I finally received Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred in the mail. I am really looking forward to her growling at me and calling me fat in a really weird way. I need to start exercising again, these two weeks of not exercising have actually taken a toll on me in a way that I have really noticed. I have less energy and I feel more tense. I also have been eating like crap because "Hey, I'm on a staycation!"

I think tomorrow I am gonna rip the packaging off Jillian and give her a go. Well, if I get over these stomach cramps* I have had since Monday night.

*I am putting the stomach cramps down to eating like crap for the past two weeks and my IBS.

Stop Waking Me! I'm Hungry!

My toddler is ruining any chance I have of dieting.

Either that or she is just God's way of testing my willpower.

Generally when I go to bed, I am okay. I have no fantasies of donuts, brownies, chocolate cake or any other numerous treats I love.

That is until the middle of the night when the pathetic call of "Eema" is sounded at full volume throughout the house. (Eema is Hebrew for mom, mum, mother, the gray haired person stupid enough to crawl out of bed in the middle of the night...)

My little almost 4 year old has taken to waking me in the middle of the night. Sometimes more than once a night. Very possibly because of her impromptu naps on the couch in the afternoon.

I don't take well to being sleep deprived. I turn into a very not nice person without enough sleep. (One of the reasons I stopped working the night shift in the ER.)

As if getting woken up and being summoned out of bed was not enough insult, my stomach has decided to get in on the joke. So now at stupid o'clock at night, when I am woken, I am ravenously hungry.

Have you ever tried falling back asleep when your stomach is making loud noises and all your insides are clamoring for food? In my house, in that instance, sleep does not happen. I have tried and I have been miserable.

Which means, that in the middle of the night I am scavenging for something to eat. As you would guess, fruit and veggies at that hour just doesn't make the grade.

So anyone out there who wants to borrow my daughter until she passes this making her mother miserable in the middle of the night stage, please let me know.

Alternatively, any other tips on sleeping or hunger would also be appreciated.

Well at least I know she loves me right?

My Toddler Causes More Pain Than Tae-Bo

Dear Billy Blanks,

I love you and your videos, but I have to say your workout is lightweight compared to my Toddler-Led Family Workout.

I did your video last Saturday night. (Shamefully though, I did not actually exercise again until this morning-Friday.) As I wrote in my previous post, it did not hurt me at all even though I was sweating like a pig after I had finished.

A few days later I made the video below with my family and since then I have not been able to move. My almost 4 year old kicked my butt. Sadly you did not. You really must try harder.

Not only that but aside from the workout, that video won me first place today (and a Reebok outfit and Reebok easy toning sneakers) in the May Just Vlog It competition on Cafe Bebe. I can't wait to firm my legs and butt just from walking.

So Billy, just remember, you have a toddler to compete with. Think you need to work harder and making me hurt.

Yours now painfully,

Susie