I thought I had changed.
Ok, in fairness to myself, I know I have changed in many ways. However, it seems that as far as eating battles, there have been no long term changes. Trying to get a grip on my eating/exercise issues is one of the reasons I asked Kat to join in writing this blog with her.
Today I got a big fat (pun intended) smack in the face. A smack that made me really think how as far as my eating issues go, I really have not made any long term changes. At least no long term action changes. I believe my mindset and my beliefs are healthier. I know what it is I should be doing and why and I really want to do it for the right reasons. But my actions now, like then, speak just as loud as the words I read today.
What words? Words from a journal I kept in December 2008. A journal I picked up today by "chance". (I don't believe in coincidences.)
December 16th 2008:
Why am I self sabotaging? Why am I not only not eating right, but I am eating awfully and Ifeel the effects on my body.
Is it because I have learned a pattern of treating myself badly when I feel overwhelmed?
Is it because I want to get into set routines and I am not managing to do so, thus I procrastinate and am less efficient than I should be?
December 23rd 2008:
Why do I keep eating?
I know I need a routine and I know when I am tired I eat more and when I don't feel well I tend to eat more. (And yes I am tired after little N's diarrhea and throw up episodes last night and I am in pain because of my period.) And we are on vacation and I have no routine, but I keep promising myself I will go back to eating correctly and I keep failing myself.
My body feels much better thinner!
So what have I learned from this blast from the past?
That things haven't changed much. That I am still struggling with the same issues.
It has made me see clearly that I need to get into a routine that is set in stone. Kind of like the way I have done with blogging. Come hell or high water, I write every day. Because I recognized my need and made a commitment.
I need to do the same with exercise. Part of my problem is that even though I have ADHD and can do lots of things at once, I can't seem to really do more than one thing very well at a time. BUt somehow I am going to have to find a way to set up proper eating and exercise as a routine like I have with blogging.
If I don't I will be reading this back in two years from now and crying.