I thought I had changed.
Ok, in fairness to myself, I know I have changed in many ways. However, it seems that as far as eating battles, there have been no long term changes. Trying to get a grip on my eating/exercise issues is one of the reasons I asked Kat to join in writing this blog with her.
Today I got a big fat (pun intended) smack in the face. A smack that made me really think how as far as my eating issues go, I really have not made any long term changes. At least no long term action changes. I believe my mindset and my beliefs are healthier. I know what it is I should be doing and why and I really want to do it for the right reasons. But my actions now, like then, speak just as loud as the words I read today.
What words? Words from a journal I kept in December 2008. A journal I picked up today by "chance". (I don't believe in coincidences.)
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December 16th 2008:
Why am I self sabotaging? Why am I not only not eating right, but I am eating awfully and Ifeel the effects on my body.
Is it because I have learned a pattern of treating myself badly when I feel overwhelmed?
Is it because I want to get into set routines and I am not managing to do so, thus I procrastinate and am less efficient than I should be?
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December 23rd 2008:
Why do I keep eating?
I know I need a routine and I know when I am tired I eat more and when I don't feel well I tend to eat more. (And yes I am tired after little N's diarrhea and throw up episodes last night and I am in pain because of my period.) And we are on vacation and I have no routine, but I keep promising myself I will go back to eating correctly and I keep failing myself.
My body feels much better thinner!
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So what have I learned from this blast from the past?
That things haven't changed much. That I am still struggling with the same issues.
It has made me see clearly that I need to get into a routine that is set in stone. Kind of like the way I have done with blogging. Come hell or high water, I write every day. Because I recognized my need and made a commitment.
I need to do the same with exercise. Part of my problem is that even though I have ADHD and can do lots of things at once, I can't seem to really do more than one thing very well at a time. BUt somehow I am going to have to find a way to set up proper eating and exercise as a routine like I have with blogging.
If I don't I will be reading this back in two years from now and crying.
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I think habits are just as difficult to form as they can be to break. Getting into a routine, scheduling in time to workout, planning meals and shopping right....it's all hard work, work that most of us don't have time to do.
ReplyDeleteYou CAN conquer this. I'm still struggling with it daily..but it gets easier. Sticking with it? That's the hard part...and it helps to have support...which is what you have here.